I don’t feel emotion but I can fake it well enough that no one even notices…
My family keeps leaving me alone and it makes me really lonely.
But it’s because I’m not mourning and I don’t need to see them sad…
All I feel like doing is lying in bed and just listening to music. Music is the only truth in this world.
I really want to stop miming through actions and to whole heartedly throw myself into things, but I’m afraid…
I think my heart has been shattered one too many times.
I can see why people throw themselves into alcoholism. No, it doesn’t make one forget but it helps make you become the person one once was. It’s so tempting to go down that trail just to be happy and make others not worry about me, and to help make them happy in return. [I can’t help but keep thinking about other people ad how to help them even though I should be thinking on how I can help myself. Which is the whole point of this personal break from my past life..ish thing]
I’m making myself go out tonight no matter what. I need to establish some sort of foundation to rebuild myself. I need people to help support me.
But I’m scared that even with their help, I might just put on another facade to cover up the wounds, and I might heal in an incorrect way, just like my other heart aches, which I’m trying to fix. I don’t need more baggage, I need to heal myself fully and come to grips with reality.
I can’t just hide behind a false smile to placate those around me.
I must learn to be truthful with myself and others.
I’ve been praying a lot lately. But, I can’t just rely on prayers and hope, I need to fix things myself and learn to cope.
This is step one.
In either case, when you’re in denial, you:
Refuse to acknowledge a stressful problem or situation
Avoid facing the facts of the situation
Minimize the consequences of the situation
Moving past denial
When faced with an overwhelming turn of events, it’s OK to say, “I just can’t think about all of this right now.” You may need time to work through what’s happened and adapt to new circumstances. But it’s important to realize that denial is a temporary measure; it won’t change the reality of the situation.
It isn’t always easy to tell if denial is holding you back, but if you feel stuck or if someone you trust suggests that you’re in denial, try these strategies:
Honestly ask yourself what you fear.
Think about the potential negative consequences of not taking action.
Allow yourself to express your fears and emotions.
Try to identify irrational beliefs about your situation.
Journal about your experience.
Open up to a trusted confidante.
Find a support group.
If you don’t seem to be making much progress dealing with a stressful situation on your own — you’re stuck in the denial phase — consider talking to a mental health provider. He or she can help you find healthy ways of coping with the situation rather than trying to pretend it doesn’t exist.
I feel like my family is shattering right before my eyes. Now that all my other relatives are gone, no one can deal with our loss. Uncle spends more time smoking and just being away from the house. Auntie is spending nights away from home and wants it to stay that way cause she can’t seem to handle it, and my mom, my strong mother who has lost everything, her dad, her husband, her sister and now her mom, is barely keeping it together. She won’t stop crying. Tonight, my broken family, is actually crumbling. My mom confessed to me that she wants to die and leave me behind. That scares me. I’ve lost so much in my short life, I can’t loose her, even if we aren’t close… I think uncle might be moving back to Arizona to be with his kids. Grandma kept us together, but she’s not here anymore to do that… So it begins… I pray that I will be able to keep a sound mind and that I can try to be a beacon of light to my family. On top of it all, my heart hurts doubly because I can’t seem to get over some infatuation for some guy.. Which sucks because I’m trying so hard to move on in so many different ways… I thought that taking a hiatus would help me, but it had a small effect on this subject so far. What’s even worse is that I don’t want to like said person but I also don’t want to get over them so I’m in a pretty peculliar pickle. So many things running through my mind.. Even buisness plans and various branstorming… I guess, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and in the future, I’ll reflect on this moment of my life and realize that. For now, I should try and sleep to take the edge off. Goodnight and sweet dreams. -Carisse
Ultra depressing vent: My heart aches. When my mom comes home sobbing that she misses her mother. When I catch my uncle lighting candles and staring at my grandmothers picture trying to hold back tears. When my aunt changes and washes grandma’s bed sheets and starts shaking as sobs wrack her body. When my dog lies on grandmum’s bed and whimpers quietly. When I realize that I don’t have to cook strawberries and cream oatmeal and open and shake an Ensure bottle. When I don’t have to lock the door. Even when I don’t hear random mumbling throughout the house hold. We’re all so lost. Even as I type this, I can hear sniffling coming from the other rooms. Grandma kept this broken family together. Now it’s falling apart. But I don’t know how to fix it. I have to fix it. I just have too. My heart aches. I feel so empty. So how can I help others when I don’t even know how to mend my broken heart… I will try my best. Fake my smiles, and hope that my actions will spur healing, positivity and hope.